Welcome to Saturday Night AFF!
(Shut up pretend it's Saturday okay?)
Before we begin, a word about these first few episodes:
I'm starting the show with a title tournament featuring the first 24 wrestlers because it will let the simulation make each one a little more unique and give them some allies, enemies, plots, etc. The tournament will be about 5 episodes of matches and concludes with a three-way match for the inaugural AFF Championship Title!
Once this concludes shows will be more of a standard rotation, consisting of 4 normal shows leading up to a super show event, i.e. a Free-Per-Read event.
Feel free to reach out to the Bluesky if you have any questions. Now onto the show!
Match 1: Bruno Biltwell vs. Wuffenburn
It's the mean barber Bruno Biltwell vs. Wuffenburn, who has a special guest in the audience. Just as we are about to start, Grady From '80 runs into the ring and grabs the mic. He says he's not even supposed to be here tonight but he wanted to get a haircut from his good pal Bruno later, and he's excited to see wrestling return to the good ol' days again. Grady then leaves.
Ding ding ding! There's the bell and Bruno gets the lead early with a full-nelson butt drop on Wuffenburn who counters with a DDT.
These challengers seem well matched with neither one really able to get a lead for a while.
Bruno finally gets control with a top rope splash, leading into a cradle neck breaker and down for the pin.
Wuffenburn kicks out at 1 and looks extra mad as he goes for a back-elbow smash.
Bruno hits with a crossface chickenwing and then calls for his finisher, the "Just Fuck My Shit Up Fam"! Body chops into a big headbutt and Wuffenburn is down for the countout. Ding ding ding!
While Bruno Biltwell celebrates his victory and moving on to the next round, we cut backstage to see the personal security crew of the mysterious Commissioner of the league cornering Count Hammerli Von Fluker, who is scheduled to compete later tonight. He has had an iron claw as part of his gear throughout the indie circuit but the security team manages to wrest it away from him. "This isn't Germany, 'Count'. We're a civilized nation with civilized wrestling."
Match 2: Jimmy Rippy vs. Colorful Romero
Up next we hae "American Made" Jimmy Rippy up against the often censored "Colorful" Romero. We got a note from the Commissioner earlier actually, it says that the random seeding really messed up with pairing these two together and to expect a dull match. Well I don't doubt that both men are not happy to hear about that.
Right at the bell Jimmy opens up with a sharpshooter, but then there's a few minutes of just general tussling. Maybe the Commissioner was right.
Romero finally breaks free and hits with a huge arm trap shoulder breaker.
Jimmy connects with a double axe handle smash, which Romero reverses into a chokeslam, then tosses Jimmy out of the ring and follows him out!
The ref is yelling at both men to get back into the ring but they refuse to listen, Jimmy hits Romero with a punch, but then Romero grabs Jimmy's head and smashes it into the ring. Jimmy takes this moment to scramble back up into the ring.
Romero grabs Jimmy with a headlock and is yelling into his ear with a mean laugh. Nothing "Colorful" Romero could say here should ever be uttered by man or beast and something clearly breaks inside Jimmy. Jimmy drops to the mat, then walks out in shame and defeat! What could have been said?! Romero just stands and laughs more while he is declared the winner!
In a quick backstage interview Jimmy reveals that he was certainly shocked by Romero's words about him, America, and well, just about everything. But nothing will get him like that again and Colorful better watch out. The only colors Romero will be next time are red, white, and blue!
Match 3: Dokie Duster Oakey vs. Buzz Dorton
Former luchador Hector Puleo comes over to the commentator's table and grabs a headset to say a few words. He's a friend of Oakey and wishes him luck, but also says Buzz Dorton has been looking great in the locals lately. Hector comes off as a very laid-back kinda guy for a wrestler.
It's time for local hillbilly Dokie Duster Oakey to go up against Buzz Dorton, who always looks like he's ready to hit that big red X on anyone's performance. At the bell, both big men slam into each other, they show just how evenly matched they are in strength until finally Oakey manages to pull Buzz into a back breaker rack followed by a clothesline.
Buzz finally returns with a huge vertical suplex! Oakey looks like he drank too much moonshine last night after that one!
Oakey quickly recovers and pulls off an underhook powerbomb and throws Buzz out of the ring! He works the crowd a bit, taking time to wave and smile with whatever teeth he still has as he climbs over the ropes himself.
He then smashes Buzz' face into the side of the ring, but Buzz shifts and smashes Oakey's face in the same spot. Oakey grabs a steel chair from under the ring storage and swings so hard that Buzz falls to the concrete floor. Oakey throws Buzz back into the ring for a pin.
Buzz kicks out at 2, but gets a face full of turnbuckle. Oakey then climbs up to the top rope and winds up for his "Oklahoma Twister"!
Buzz rolls out of the way and Oakey misses completely! Buzz smacks him with a single arm DDT. Oakey then knocks Buzz into a reverse underhook DDT and both wrestlers are bouncing off the mat! Oakey goes for another pin, and Buzz is looking pretty out of it but manages to kick out at 2 again!
Both men are just wearily grappling in the middle of the ring now and the crowd is getting restless. Oakey breaks away and climbs back up to the top rope. He really wants to show off the "Oklahoma Twister" and now's the time to try again. He winds up, and hits! Buzz Dorton is too tired to fight back and Dokie Duster Oakey is declared the winner!
Hector Puleo pushes his way back to the commentator's table talking about how his compliment of Buzz Dorton was just to throw Buzz off his game and give his buddy Duster the advantage. He also plugs an appearance he'll be having on hit telenovela "Los Días de la Semana" later next week. What a king.
Match 4: Count Von Fluker vs. Force of Nature
Our final match of the night will be between Count Hammerli Von Fluker and the "Force of Nature" Tory Robertson. We already saw Fluker's iron claw get confiscated earlier tonight, and there's no way he's happy about that! Neither of these giants of men like to play by the rules though. Who knows what dirty tactics will be employed on each other?
Before the bell rings, the COunt looks The Force of Nature up and down with a scoff. Despite Troy's 6'10", 400 pounds, the Count doesn't seem too impressed.
The bell goes off and both men smash into... the referee! Oh that poor guy is squished like a pancake and knocked out cold! How will this match continue?!
Just as the ref is being carried off, out runs Wuffenburn wearing ref stripes and saying he'll be the replacement ref with a huge grin. He's already been knocked out the tourney but Wuffenburn is still in high spirits for this moment. I know Wuffenburn and Force of Nature have had some serious beef in the local circuit before and Force looks absolutely livid by this situation!
The bell goes off again to restart the match and Force of Nature applies his anger in a useful way towards Hammerli, hitting him with a shoulder neck breaker and throwing him out of the ring with a barbaric scream. The Count recovers quickly and elbows Force in the gut outside of the ring. Force then slams the Count into the concrete floor. The Count hits so hard he bounces up high enough for Force to catch his head in a single beefy palm. This palm then smashes the german's face into the ringside and Force of Nature pulls something out from the under-ring storage. What could that be? It's Count Hammerli's own iron claw! How did that get under there?!
Just as Force of Nature is about to give the Count a taste of his own medicine, a whistle blows. Wuffenburn declares that having that claw is grounds for disqualification and that Count Hammerli Von Fluker is the winner and goes onto the next round of the tournament!
We close the show with an interview with Mrpandragon, famous artist and Wuffenburn's sponsor who is in the VIP section for tonight. When asked what he thought about Wuffenburn's performance he expresses disappointment and getting knocked out of the tournament so early but there will be more chances down the line. He also expresses (only a little tongue-in-cheek) that Wuffenburn judged that match very fairly under the stressful circumstances and should be proud of himself.