It's that time again and we've got some great matches on the card for tonight. It's with great pleasure we say to you all...
Welcome to Saturday Night AFF!
Match 1: Darius Caesar vs Volcanos
Caesar is already in the ring. He looks like he's got a permanent smell under his nose. He points out at the crowd, "We have a term for the sort of 'people' like you in the empire. It's barbarians. Can you even spel-OOF!" That oof is from Volcanos sneaking in and giving Caesar a massive shove in the back, he didn't even wait for his own entrance. And now the match is already underway.
Caesar hits a flap jack mat slam, angry about his intro being interrupted. Eventually Volcanos breaks free from a tussle and punches with a big flaming fist that sends Caesar rolling away. He follows this up with a flying clothesline. He leaps from the second rope and drops his fist on Caesar. Truly, Darius Caesar is being Memento Mori'd right now.
I can't believe Volcanos is already calling for his finisher, Wrath of the Earth! a huge spinning powerbomb! Darius Caesar is already out cold and Volcanos wins!
Backstage we see Volcanos chatting with his wife Setsuna Reynolds. She wants to start accompanying him out to the ring for matches. How sweet.
Match 2: Bolt Bickford vs. Creepy Tod Crawley
We see Tod Crawley out in the ring. He's talking about what he's going to do to Bolt Bickford and every other star who he faces in this tournament. He keeps talking about centipedes and maggots. Even more disturbing, he doesn't seem to have a cage or bucket or anything with those around. Are they just on him? Disgusting. He's all slimy looking too.
The bell rings and Bolt Bickford tries to lift Tod in a wheelbarrow powerbomb, but Tod is really gross and slippery and Bickford botches it. Instead, Tod bounces off the ropes to build momentum and then throws his legs around Bickford's head in a flying scissors. Bickford keeps trying to grab his opponent but can't get the leverage he needs. Tod grabs Bickford's arm and spins around for the arm breaker. He then stands on Bolt's body in a submission hold but maybe the slimyness is benefitting Bolt there because he breaks out quickly. Bolt finally manages to get a hold of Crawley, lift him up over the head, and slam him with a samoan drop. Maybe now Bolt can build up some momentum? He starts spinning wildly so he's certainly building up some definition of momentum, it's his signature "Outta the Blue" spinning discus punch!
Suddenly Chuck Splatter runs out to the ring! He's supposed to be wrestling next but he's Bolt Bickford's friend and must have seen a chance to help out. He smashes a watermelon into the back of Tod Crawley sending even more goo everywhere! We're going to have to clean this ring up real good tonight. Some of the shrapnel has hit the referee and he warns both Bickford and Splatter. Chuck Splatter runs backstage again.
While the ref is yelling at Chuck Splatter Bolt hits Crawley with an underhook face driver. Bolt then leaps off of the top rope and splashes on Crawley. The crowd is cheering wildly! He goes for the pin! Kick out at 1. Bolt tries another powerbomb but if anything, Crawley is even more difficult to hold onto with the watermelon juice on top of... whatever he has all over himself. Tod's still full of energy too and goes for the flying head scissors again!
Suddenly, this is looking a lot less like a wrestling match and more of a shootfight. Neither men are pulling punches now, literally! This is just a fist fight! The crowd is loving it but the bell rings and the ref declares that both men are DQ'd from the match and nobody moves on! Chuck Splatter takes advantage of the chaos and teams up with Bickford for some punchies on the bug man.
Match 3: Tripp Hazard vs. Chuck Splatter
Since Chuck Splatter was already out here, he takes a moment to help out with the cleaning. He loves making messes but he understands that as fun as they are to watch, cleaning up someone else's mess is not as fun. He still manages to entertain the crowd while slinging a mop around the ring. We see that he's also brought in a new watermelon to start the next mess with.
During the commercial break we had a chance to catch up with Outlaw Rowdy, who you may recall last week, had his match interrupted by the other contender Tripp Hazard. He says he was impressed by Chuck Splatter helping his friend Bolt out during the last match, and it sure would have been cool if someone had helped him in his match instead of just trying to hog the spotlight.
We're starting the match and Chuck does not hesitate to shove that new watermelon into Tripp's gut. Once Hazard straightens back out, Splatter bounces off the ropes and clotheslines him. Tripp quickly rolls out of the ring and Splatter follows.
Chuck slams Hazard into the concrete, then into the ringside. He tosses him onto the announcer table! And the steel barricade! And the floor again! Chuck Splatter is making a mess of Tripp Hazard everywhere other than the ring! He finishes with a steel chair to Tripp's back and shoves him back onto the stage for a pin. Kick out at 2.Tripp stands up but Splatter hits with an inverted DDT and pins him again. 1! 2! 3! Chuck Splatter wins decisively!
Match 4: Colin Roy "Planet" Caffey vs. Jason "The Dead End" Dedmond
After the cleanup and prepping the arena for our final match of the night, Planet Caffey is talking about how there's no end where "The Dead End" is going, only the cold emptiness of space. His friend with the terrible beard will be out there with him too. Decidin we haven't had enough interruptions tonight, Beard-O runs out and tries to throw some punches. He must have been really offended by those comments about his facial hair. Once Beard-O is pulled away by security the match can begin.
Dedmond opens with an angry leg drop. caffey follows with a knee drop of his own, playing it all up for the camera. Things are back and forth when Dedmond pulls off a body press scissors, which is very impressive considering his much smaller size against Planet caffey. Jason springs to the top rope and then leaps off, punching Caffey and making him roll out of the ring!
The ref is already on their cases and yelling at them to get back in there, but Dedmond ignores him and pushes Caffey into the barrier instead. He lifts up the massive man and throws him onto our announcers table! The table can't take that bulk and buckles underneath it! Jason goes for the pin on the table's remains but Caffey kicks out at 1 and gets back into the ring.
Dedmond jumps back in and immediately goes for his special "Flin Flon Flip" flying knee lift. Uh oh... Caffey doesn't look too good after that... He just threw up all over Dead End! That's grounds for disqualification! The referee lifts up the messy arm of Jason Dedmond as the winner as the queasy Caffey gets escorted out!
Due to the double DQ's we've seen in this first round of the tournament, there's only 5 matches to be held for the next one. We will be having all of them on next week's show. We're reseeding the competitors for this second round and are happy to present them to you now!
Tournament 2nd Stage Matches
Beard-O vs. Count Hammerli Von Fluker
Bruno Biltwell vs. Jason Dedmond
Grady From '80 vs. Outlaw Rowdy
Dokie Duster Oakey vs. Colorful Romero
Volcanos vs. Chuck Splatter
We'll see you again on the next Saturday Night AFF!